Monday, December 26, 2016

The Secrets of a Special Needs Christmas


Christmas

Magical for children of all ages, or it really should be.
But the holidays for a family with a child with special needs is STRESSFUL!
It's not the busyness of having friends and family over or making bigger meals.
It's helping your child have a special experience and just as magical a season as other kids.
That may not seem like a tall order, but it can be.

Many families ask for advice from "seasoned" parents or carers and ask what kinds of things to get.
It's nice to have a community of people who have gone through what you are newly in the trenches of. 
It can be very depressing to watch the excitement of children your own child's age or stage and see your own not be able to do the same.
Unfortunately we all compare.

This is our 2nd Tubie Christmas...and we did it better than our first :-).

We were so lost and scared last year, new adaptive equipment, 
just coming from a very stressful hospital stay, 
a baby still NPO and on bolus feeds throughout the day with continuous overnight trying to "catch up", 
and me still off work to help us adapt to our "New Normal".
Some of the items we typically bought for our kids or others did were not suitable for a child who couldn't eat by mouth, 
Clothes that he could wear before were now a pain to work around his feedings with.
All the special foods we usually ate he couldn't even taste and forget any special candies or cookies!

(2016)

This year he was more capable to eat the special foods, 
enjoy tastes of cookies and take guided sips of holiday drinks.
He eats during the day now and only has a continuous feed overnight so we could get him any clothing we wanted, 
and physically he is catching up so he can enjoy "normal" toys for kids his age.
We still needed to change the way we do stockings and keep special candies and treats out of it, but got him more little toys and smaller non-edible items.

I will share our ideas, and maybe we can all compile them to make it easier for others.


  • Cars/Trains
  • Animals
  • Balls
  • Flashlights-with multicolor capability or shapes
  • Blocks
  • Bubble machines
  • Bath toys
  • Noisemakers
  • Movies
  • Music
  • Books...like "My Belly Has Two Buttons" By Meikele Lee <3 
  • Adaptive clothes for tube/device access
  • Sleepers
  • Tablet/Ipad
  • Ornaments
  • Blankets
  • Plush dolls
  • Memory games
  • Flashcards
  • Saftey belts
  • Stroller
  • Moby wrap/Ergo/other carriers
  • Car Seat
  • Hat/coat/gloves
  • Shoes/Boots
Items for PT/OT at home...

  • Small Trampoline
  • Adaptive cups, silverware, straws
  • Foam wedge for sleeping
  • Chewies/Teething toys
  • Pacifiers
  • Bean bags
  • Compression wear
  • Weighted blankets
  • Nook Brushes
  • Z-vibe/or in a pinch an electric toothbrush
  • Bath equipment
  • Play mats or foam mats
  • Jonny Jumper
  • Walkers
  • Noise canceling headphones for SPD kids
It does get easier,
Give yourself some grace and learn to find the magic in what you can do now. 
 Merry Christmas Special Families!!




Wednesday, December 7, 2016

"How does she do it All?"


I constantly have people in my life who ask this question
"How do you do it?"

"How do you..."
  • Work two jobs
  • Home school
  • Keep house
  • Cook for/feed kids with disphagia
  • Keep up with medical/Therapy appointments
  • Get enough sleep
  • Not fall apart

Here's my secret...I DON'T

I am just an exhausted mama trying her best to keep our family fed, housed, healthy and as happy as possible.
It's no magic formula and nothing that any other parent wouldn't do if needed.
I am not more strong, creative or resourceful than anyone.
I try my best every day to push through and be the best Mom, Wife, Employee that I can.

I fail on a regular basis to...
  • Keep my house clean
  • Hold my tongue
  • Get enough sleep
  • Spend enough time with my family
  • Cook at home every day...Salon nights I use whatever tips I make to bring home food :-)
  • I miss appointments when I forget to put them on my phone calendar
This life is hard

There's nothing glamorous about working two jobs, and even though one of them I do hair and have to look "put together". 
My other job I look like a crazy bag lady because comfort is #1 on a 10 hour overnight shift.
When I get home, no matter which job; it's to a chorus of "I'm hungry, what's for breakfast/dinner?"
I try my best to get my stuff done and spend time with my kids and husband, but sleep has to happen. 
So for the last two years my girls have jumped into bed with me and they take turns laying close to me while the other one holds my hand. 
They watch an educational show on the weekdays and on weekends a movie or kids show while I sleep. 
During the day they may only be in there a few minutes to get cuddles in or in the evening before my job starts they may fall asleep for the night.  
I pick up 1 or 2 kids every Thursday morning after working 10 hours and take them to one of 3 therapies...Physical, speech, or Occupational. And usually don't get done until close to 12pm. Then a quick nap afterwards or take 2 to ATA and then nap. 
My Friday "Day off" is ideally spent cleaning and getting laundry done, but work trainings or meetings tend to happen those days as well as the frequent doctor's appointment for 1-3 kids.
Homeschooling is fit into our day either before I nap or after, and sometimes after dinner.
I fall apart pretty frequently and hopefully it's in private, but more often than not its in the midst of whatever is difficult or stressful. 
I raise my voice more than I ought too when it feels like no one is listening to me.
I hope people can appreciate my honesty, and take heart that as I tell my kids "practice makes progress", and I feel that I am daily practicing to do and be better than I was yesterday. I may fail, but at least I try.
I look forward to one day having a "normal" schedule, whatever that my look like. 
I am not writing this for sympathy, I love my family and am thankful for my jobs.
But you never know from the outside looking in that the ones who look like they have everything under control are just juggling the chaos.
I am not superwoman, I am just "mom".
The best, hardest, most rewarding title I have ever had.
I hope that parts of this last couple years my kids can forget, but other parts I hope they remember fondly and can see how hard we worked to give them the best life we can.

Heading to ATA with Nene and Sanna


Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Book Reading Fun!


On Thursday November 10th we had our first book reading of "My Belly Has Two Buttons" in Thompson Falls, Montana.
We joined the 1st grade class of Shannon Pavlik to teach them about feeding tubes and introduce them to the inspiration of the book my little Tubie Nico.
The children and teacher had great questions and were so inviting. 
I asked them "Have you ever met someone who eats differently than you?"
The answers were all YES!
"people who use chinese stick (chopsticks lol)"
"people use their hands"
"Drink through straws"
"eat weird food"
All these answers were correct and so next I asked, "Have you ever met someone who could eat without using their mouth?"
One child said yes and proceeded to inform me his mom was a nurse, but the rest said NO!
I read them the book and Nico was sitting with the kids and every time I finished a page he would bust out laughing to gain the kids attention which they thought was funny.
when we were done I passed around the Mic-key Button we had just changed so they could understand and feel what he used to keep healthy and they were fascinated by that device with a water balloon. 
We passed out feeding tube awareness tattoos, coloring pages and donated the book to the class.
The kids were excited to know the pictures were being sent to our local news station to be added to a feature story airing on the book and our life with a Tubie.
I later received a message from Shannon and the class made us a book and wanted to send it.
It was such a blessing to be there and meet these kids, raise awareness to the next generation so that someday when/if they meet another child like Nico they can remember what they learned and treat them with respect and dignity.

I hope we can do more reading like this locally rather than going 4 hrs from home, but the word needs spread far and wide and God made them our first for a reason.
Thank you Thompson Falls Elementary!

**for book readings contact Meikele Lee @ trendyk1@gmail.com**

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

The Impact of "Failure To Thrive"

Failure to Thrive...What is it?

Failure to thrive is defined as decelerated or arrested physical growth (height and weight measurements fall below the fifth percentile, or a downward change in growth across two major growth percentiles)

What are the symptoms?
  • Lack of appropriate weight gain
  • Irritability
  • Easily fatigued
  • Excessive sleepiness
  • Lack of age-appropriate social response (i.e., smile)
  • Avoids eye contact
  • Lack of molding to the mother's body
  • Does not make vocal sounds
  • Delayed motor development
And why does it matter?

For families of children with pediatric feeding disorders this is a BIG concern, your baby probably at some point will be labeled FTT or "Failure to Thrive".
Now this may not affect some as much as others because they had an early diagnosis or medical complexity that came to light in pregnancy, they were and are a little more prepared. Not just them, but also the medical professionals who your child sees regularly. There was a reason for your child to be "small, dainty, little, underdeveloped, anemic, tired, refuse food, struggle to drink, etc."
But what about the group of parents and their children who don't have the advance notice? The ones who move along relatively "normal or typical", but then overtime something pops up that you know isn't right? 
It may start with weight plateauing, but you don't question it because maybe the baby was sick that month?
... and your baby was delayed physically already from birth and diagnosed with hypotonia and you have been to PT every week right, your other child had delays too so its possible its normal right?
It may progress to refusing solid foods when you first introduce them, but that could be them just getting used to the texture right? No need to be concerned you are breast/formula feeding them and they have been "fine" thus far...Right? 
But then you start to question the doctor's relaxed stance on what you see at home, what you know in your mommy's heart is not "normal." 

I know this may seem a little too specific, but this is our story...

The impact just the first part of that diagnosis had on my heart was impossible to describe, and no mom/dad/caregiver of a child wants to hear that they have "failed." 
I know that 's not what it's supposed to mean, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that more often than not when a child is "FTT" the parents on some level feel responsible even when they know it's not anything they did wrong. 
I strongly believe this name needs to change, sometimes the children don't have excessive sleepiness, they make sounds and smile, they are a happy baby and rarely cranky, and the 3-5th% on the growth curve is STILL ON THE CURVE! there has to be at least one kid who grows that way for there to be a 1-100% scale right?
Now I am not saying that a child labeled FTT is always a medically reasonable explanation. There are the cases where someone waters down formula because they can't afford to buy X amount, and they don't realize that impact that will have on the baby, or the parent who really is God forbid starving the baby on purpose, or not understanding hunger cues because of some mental health crisis of their own.
But there has to be a better way for medical professionals to respond to those who are doing the right things and still ending up in the FTT category.

The impact of a "Failure to Thrive" 

Our journey was really 4 years in the making. Our 2nd child was born and nursed like a champ after her frenulum was clipped and gained by lbs, and her brother followed her to the letter even down to a Torticaulis diagnosis and needing Physical therapy 2 years later. The part we hoped would skip him was difficulty eating and drinking, his sister had eventually caught on but still struggled in some areas eating "age appropriate" foods
...at close to 3 she was finally able to eat apples and banana's on her own without them being mashed...for an example.
So when he started eating solids at 6 months his weight had just plateaued and he had been ill, but when he gagged on solids his primary doctor recommended waiting another month and then trying again...I knew immediately I was seeing a repeat of our past with our daughter and hoped I was wrong. 
Pretty quickly we discovered greek yogurt was the only texture he didn't gag on and that ANY chunk would cause him to choke, liquids were only able to be given by breast or same result.
By 11 months his weight was the same as it had been since 6 months and we were seeing an ENT for a severe posterior tongue tie, this was the "hail mary pass" as he was, as his primary doctor described "classic Failure to Thrive" and my heart broke; but he knew by our history with our daughter and the steps we had taken to get to the ENT that he was safe with us so we weren't hospitalized.
After surgery we went for regular and frequent weight checks, our son gained length some, but his head size was barely moving and weight still stalled despite him eating a high fat and protein diet on top of still breastfeeding up to 9 times daily. He had also gained a whole clothing size and looked more plump to us and others who saw him before. I was certain things were changing for the better, and the previous FTT diagnosis was gone...boy was I in for the shock of a lifetime!
By October 14, 2015 our primary for our children had retired and we were set to see a new doctor. We had seen her before as needed when we needed a same day appointment in a pinch and she was fine. I came to that appointment so excited and full of hope to see him having gained weight. I ended up in tears at the weight scale, my son was still 15lbs 8oz! at 15 months old! I felt sick in every part of me and knew our world was about to change.
We were admitted to the hospital for what was supposed to be a 3-day calorie study and ended up in-patient for 13 days at our local hospital while they attempted every intervention they could dream up, and 6 days in a hospital 2 hours away for a G-tube placement(feeding tube)/Nissen fundoplication surgery. 
It would have been fine if that was all FTT brought us...but she is ugly and is sometimes wielded by even uglier people who no matter how much you prove yourself they aren't satisfied unless someone is hurt in the process.
This is the part that needs reformed most...CPS involvement.
When you leave the hospital or NICU with a "healthy baby" and then come back before 2 years old with a child labeled FTT then CPS is called to investigate...and oh boy did they ever!
During our first 2 days inpatient I met the ONLY social worker at our local hospital, and I know this because multiple times I requested someone else but there was only one for the whole pediatric department. She came in and attempted to present a kind and helpful demeanor, but something about how she watched me and my son was off...the very next day she became verbally and emotionally abusive to me and without proof other than my word nothing was done. She told me "things weren't adding up..." and "I don't think your son is safe in your care...but I really am here to help you and I understand what you are going through." 
I found out she didn't actually have children so how could she possibly understand what we were going through? And because of her obvious prejudice she called CPS and then manipulated and lied to my family the rest of the time we were there. 
I became very scared, jumpy, anxious, having chest pressure. and nightmares. The nursing staff were instructed to tell me she was "watching" us when she didn't show up to our room again for 8 days, but would lurk around the peds floor reading my son's charts...I have never been so scared for the safety of my child than I was with her in charge of our case.
An already stressful situation made so much worse by a person who had no check and balances.
When we were sent to the other hospital for surgery the treatment was night and day, the people were truly nice and helpful. Even that social worker treated us with respect and didn't use her position to harm. 

The impact of my son's diagnosis and local hospital stay still affects us a year later...

  • Our oldest child has nightmares, anxiety, and is highly emotional when she knows she will be away from us.
  • Our middle child has since been diagnosed with a frontal lobe delay and still coughs a bit when drinking and continues to need PT for her physical delays.
  • My Husband who has PTSD and Bipolar was stable on meds before the hospital stay and CPS investigations, but pretty quickly after we got home needed his meds changed and continues to struggle with feeling like we are safe especially when people visit our home or we go out in public.
  • Our youngest child still has his feeding tube and is now 27lbs , takes half his daily calories by mouth but those calories don't seem to add weight unless its his predigested formula via tube, he is still hypotonic and in PT, He now walks, He had learned skills for eating and drinking which are now regressing and we still don't have a complete diagnosis despite genetic testing.
  • I am so much more distrustful of the state agencies because they kept "forgetting" about our open CPS case and it was open till 120 days later despite 3 formal complaints from me and them reassuring me they found no reason for the investigation in the first place, I still have nightmares, and hope more than anything to get answers for my children.
I hope that one day parents with children like my own who struggle for mysterious organic reasons will no longer be victimized by the "Failure to Thrive" diagnosis. It needs to change as the results that can happen make the already stressful situation potentially more antagonistic than necessary. 
It's a time in our lives that I hope my children will forget, but I know personally I will never forget the impact "Failure to Thrive" had on our lives.



Nico, Age 2 in his new "My Belly Has Two Buttons" shirt from "Chasing Sadie" on etsy


Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Why I love being an Indie Author #PoweredByIndie



 I am new to the author and book world having just launched my first children's book this August 2016.  The experience has been very rewarding.  Using the features on Createspace as well as Amazon made it so much easier to reach my target audience, and track how many were sold.  I could use the illustrator I wanted and keep the vision of the book that I wanted as well as keep the cost down allowing it to happen very quickly. My customers have made this one of the most happy experiences by sending me pictures and kind words about the children being so excited to have a book in this genre; feeding tube awareness. I saw a gap in the market and I am energized by the response thus far, and have some more titles in the works and hope to have those out as soon as possible.  I am most impressed by how quickly our international audience got a hold of the book and the ease that they could order and receive their copies. They were some of my first contacts even just a week after book launch. I had always assumed "self-publishing" was the lesser quality and something to be sneered at, but I have not found that to be true or been unhappy with any part of it.  When we had the book launch party in my little town in Montana it was so easy for the bookstore to find the ISBN # needed to sell the book from their store. I thank all those involved in this process and look forward to doing it again.

Meikele Lee, Author of "My Belly Has Two Buttons"

Monday, October 3, 2016

Fine line of "hurt" vs "help"

While on this health journey with Nico we have seen many tests and labs done...
and since joining the Tubie community I have seen and heard the same things over and over;


"Why is my baby refusing food/bottle/pacifier since NG/fundoplication was put in?"

"Why is my normally happy baby screaming every time I come near them to clean  "insert body part or stoma site here", they never did this before we were hospitalized this last time"

"Why is my child becoming so combative with me?"

"It takes 3 or 4 nurses plus myself to hold my child down for any procedures now."

"I am so nervous to take my baby to the doctor, I don't want us to be hospitalized again"

"My child won't sleep without me rocking them since we were discharged"

"Our worst fears have been confirmed, we don't know anything more we will update you as we can"

And in my own research I have come to understand these are all traumatic stress responses in both the adults/parents and their children from the things done while their medical complexities were explored or hopefully diagnosed.
Now I am not a doctor, therapist, or any medical professional who can diagnose anyone.  
I am just a mother who has seen and felt all of these and more.
I have come to realize there is a fine line between Help and Hurt...
The tests, labs, procedures and things done at the hospital weren't meant to do harm, isn't that our perception of the Hippocratic Oath? 

"First Do No Harm"

This isn't actually in the oath, but it really should be and I think it gives parents of these little ones more hope and trust in the system that is really just as confused as we are why our child is struggling.
It's normal and necessary to find a place or person we can feel safe airing our concerns and flashbacks with and most especially the reactions our children have are just as valid as our own.
The test are by design sometimes VERY invasive because the signs or symptoms do not make sense outwardly.  And our babies don't understand why its happening so they respond in ways to let us know they are stressed, scared, or really just mad.
Please if your child is medically fragile still take them to appointments as often as needed, and if you start having your own traumatic responses (flashbacks, anxiety, fear, heart racing, chest pain, short temper) then seek your own medical appointment with a doctor or counselor.
You're child needs you to be the strong one who can smile through the tears, be the kisser of their boo boos from blood draws and biopsies.
And when they have their own meltdowns treat it with some grace, they have all gone and continue to go through so much in their short lives and I don't know any adults who would handle it quite so well.

There is a quote that I find to be my favorite, honestly it make me tear up when I read it...


The strength of these kids is unreal, They really are superheroes.

And the strength of the parents in this life is nothing to sneer at, you cry in private and pray that you would be in their place even just so they didn't have to feel one more poke, prod or stay in one more exam.
 Please give yourself credit where credit is due, it's amazing all the things you juggle on a day to day basis and do for them and the rest of your family.
So if you are a parent, patient or caregiver and you're experiencing anything I have described just remember...
There is a fine line between "Help" vs "Hurt" and you are strong enough to see this through.


Monday, September 26, 2016

Super list of Foods for Low Weight Kids

Anyone who has followed my blog, Facebook and been involved in the last 4 years of our child raising will know the struggles we've encountered with pediatric feeding disorders.
This journey has by no means made me an expert, but I was challenged to share the knowledge I've gained so that hopefully the Mom, Dad, or caregiver reading this can avoid what we've gone through. 


I am a strong advocate for breastfeeding and waiting to introduce solids until at least 6 months...
With this being said I also believe your child, your choice, FED IS BEST!
In our circumstance without my two youngest being exclusively breastfed and my stance on introducing solids when we did, I strongly believe their lives would have been in greater danger much faster due to choking.
I am also strongly advising if you are currently pregnant, planning to be, or have children around you please take a CPR and First aid test and become certified, This could save a life.

A little background, we had one "typical Child" who progressed normally-advanced in most areas including eating. Nene she is our oldest and so when her next sibling came along it made the issues that much more apparent and startling.
When Sanna came along we had a very similar beginning, tongue tie (clipped no further issue), breastfed, gaining weight, aversion to bottles (Nene the same) but with more gagging. We get ready to introduce solids at 6 months and no matter the texture she gagged and struggled to accept solids, we had to give her thicker puree for close to 6 months, and the things like cheerios, apples, pretzels that most 12 month old can eat safely/take their own bites with supervision she couldn't even begin to until closer to 2. We also struggled with her taking a sippy, straw or cup of any kind. This caused her weight to almost plateau. We calorie packed the foods and textures she could eat. 
We did all this and much more when their brother Nico came along, and his aversions became life threatening and he ended up getting a feeding tube at 15 months old. 
Both the youngest kids have had oral surgery for a severe posterior tongue tie which helped but didn't 100% correct the problems.

When we calorie packed foods here is some staples:

Avocado (@ least 1/2 of one daily)
Oatmeal
Bananas
Greek yogurt (Fage is made with whole milk/cream)
4% cottage cheese
eggs
sweet potato
protein powder
coconut oil
Chocolate ice cream (Bryers chocolate is made with cream and is calorie and fat content=pediasure per 8oz serving)
pudding cups
puffs
baby food meats/fruit/veggies
creamy peanut butter (ask doctor before giving to child)
cream cheese
re fried beans
sour cream
Stage 3 baby meals
***everything needs to be full fat! No low fat/no fat anything***


DISCLAIMER: I am not a nutritionist and I strongly suggest if your baby is struggling to gain weight, eat, or drink PLEASE consult with a doctor!**


So now that I gave you our pantry basics for feeding and calorie packing I will list a sample menu.


Breakfast: 

**breastfed first as long as child wanted**
2 eggs over medium (the yolk helps the bites go down easier)
slice of toast with cream cheese/crust cut off
Or
1 cup Oatmeal w/ 1TBSP coconut oil or mashed avocado/baby fruit/veggie puree w/ 2 TBSP protein powder
Or
1 cup Greek Yogurt with puree fruit/veggie
slice toast with cream cheese/crust cut off

Snack:

**breastfed first as long as child wanted**
Full Fat Ice cream or
mashed avocado/banana combo
puffs

Lunch:

**breastfed first as long as child wanted**
Cottage cheese
stage 3 baby food meal

Snack:

**breastfed first as long as child wanted**
Full Fat ice cream or
mashed avocado/banana combo
puffs

Dinner:

**breastfed first as long as child wanted**
Modify what we were eating to a consistency child could handle
or
cottage cheese and Stage 3 baby meal
or
re fried beans with mashed sweet potato
or
1 cup oatmeal with 2 tbsp peanut butter and 2 tbsp Greek yogurt
and baby puffs to finish

**breast feed on demand the rest of the evening/overnight and throughout the day and offer spoonfuls of water at amount child can handle or with sponge/toothette/cup**

We had to really monitor how our children ate and drank, and the Heimlich maneuver happened at least once a meal on at least one kid daily for 2 1/2 years.
I worked two jobs during the last 2 years and still breastfed on demand and worked only hours the baby was sleeping so that I was available to nurse him (Nico).
During this whole process we were in constant communication with our children's health care provider/speech and eating therapy/ Physical therapy and when those weren't helping we networked to get them the help they needed as much as we could.
It's hard when you have to be so hyper vigilant and it was and is exhausting and a strain on relationships. Please find people to talk to and share your story. You never know who is in the same boat and may need the support you have or the tips and tricks that can make all the difference.
I hope this menu/food list can help anyone who just doesn't know were to start.







Tuesday, September 13, 2016

I Thought I Was Okay...I Was Wrong

trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma...

So that's what was happening!
My heart was racing, my palms were sweaty, I felt like I had done something wrong and like I needed to prove all the things that had gone right since that time. 
The things we know now and that my son is doing well.

You may be wondering what I am talking about.  It's almost been 1 year!
1 year since my little boy was hospitialized... 
What was supposed to be just a calorie study turned and morphed into almost 3 week  nightmare that I wouldn't wish on anyone.  
My little boy wasn't growing despite our best efforts and constant calorie packing of his meals and me nursing him 9+ times daily...
I thought with all we learned since then and the trust we have built with the pediatrician and GI that I had recovered, healed, was emotionally able to look back on it and just have it be a bad memory that I carry, and my beautiful son will hopefully never remember...
I was wrong!
I love nurses, and think they are absolutely amazing, but the nurses and staff we dealt with at our hospital visit combined with the social worker made for a battle.
Not just between me and them, but between them and my son's safety.
I hadn't seen any of them since our discharge, and within the last week it was like the world was wanting me to be tested, teased, and bombarded. 
 Maybe even toppled off my happy attitude from the book launch and all the sincere, supportive, kind words from other families about the book.
So in passing I see someone I recognize, can't quite place her...
BAM!
It's THAT nurse! The one who literally tried to drown my son!
I don't say this lightly folks, I am not exagerating.
My baby could NOT drink safely, I told them, showed them, and warned them 1000 times in the first 2 days...because his swallow study(which they had me administer) showed he was "normal" she came waltzing in armed with 5 different cups...and proceeded to inform me "you have 3 hours to get "X" amount of liquids in him or we put an IV in, he's only got in 200ml today and you've been coddling him." 
WHAT! is she crazy?
 I know in my heart the test is wrong that he can't do this.
So long dramatic story later I end up physically removing her hand and the cup from my son's mouth as she POURS a half full cup into his mouth with no end in site, not sips or even swallows, POURS IT IN!  
Yes, mama was not happy as her baby is gagging, coughing, choking and whooping trying to catch his breathe...
I was labeled a "combative mom" in paperwork for refusing to let her continue and when she ignored my saying "stop" and then making her stop. I didn't manhandle her I just moved her hand over away from my baby and the cup with it...eventually it was proved that this technique she employed was not okay and that I was right and no more cups were brought to our room per drinking/eating therapists orders...
I still couldn't look at that nurse nicely the rest of our stay...
But I didn't think it would effect me so much so long afterwards and thankfully she didn't notice me and I just kept walking.
And then...
I was at work this weekend and ANOTHER ONE came in to the salon!
The 2nd nurse who was constantly telling me her opinion... 
"well there is no way you are waking up every time he needs to eat...your husband can't possibly be doing what your son needs when your sleeping after working all night...you must not be feeding your baby enough and your breast milk production must be low."  
I thought I was having a panic attack.
She was looking at me and I asked her "Do you remember me?"
She said "yeah, you look really familiar"
I reminded her where we met and she asked after my son, I was sweating and shaky the whole time feeling like I needed to run home and bar the door for attack...totally unreasonable!
And then she said something as we talked that just about sent me over the edge...
"yeah, it's hard when we have to tell parents like you they aren't feeding their babies enough..."
EXCUSE ME! You have got to be kidding...
I had just got done telling her that he was taking 1/2(500cal) via tube of his 1000cal goal daily and 1/2 by mouth and he was maintaining his weight, but if you add even 250cal more via tube with his formula which is predigested then he gains lbs every month...
there is an absorption issue when his body has to break food down on its own...
it is NOT because we don't feed him enough!
I was instantly brought back to the hospital, nightmares, and feeling scared.
She left, but the nightmares of someone coming to take my kids are back...
For how long I don't know, I don't feel like we are safe again, I am scared to have people come to my home again...will this ever fully go away?
I hope so, I try to be a good mom and a nice person, but I am battered and bruised by the events of the last year...
Please God make it go away...
I understand better now why my 5 yr old gets so anxious when she watches me take her brother to therapy, or I head off to work. 
It was just as traumatic for all of us and we are all still healing from it.
 It's changed our world and colored our perception of medical professionals and people who come into our home...
"is it a necessity that they be here?" and "is it safe to have them here?"
2 questions I always ask myself now.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Homeschooling: A NEW ADVENTURE

Now I know homeschooling isn't for everyone, but EVERYONE has an opinion.
My opinion is I want my children to be home, safe, learning, and their moral compass set before we branch out and bombard them with the outside world.
Now this isn't to say I shield them, we do go to Taekwondo 3 times a week, and attend church when we can with my crazy work schedule and strongly encouraged our oldest to go to summer camp.
We did pre-school at home, and unit studies during the medical adventures with the baby, but this is going to be full on 100% invested school time scheduled out. 
Big sister is going to be 6 and is SO excited she can hardly contain herself.  As I prepare school supplies and she sees her books and the equipment she is READY!  
Our days are going to be unique because with my works schedule I will be getting home from work at 8:45am and laying down for a nap after breakfast with the kid...
 Dad is going to do a Minecraft math/science/worksheet lessen or watch Magic school bus/sid the science kid/documentary with them while I sleep,..
Around 2pm I will get up and do the formal portion of the day using the Abeka kindergarten program for the big sister and easy peasy all in one homeschool for the middle sister.
This schedule is going to run from Monday to Wednesday(adding Taekwondo on wed, nights),
Thursdays are Therapy days for the middle and little in the morning with Teakwondo in the afternoon
Fridays are Taekwondo in the afternoon and we will do a field trip or Home economics type day along with the formal schooling for the oldest and middle sisters...
This seems crazy and jumbled but we are excited :-)
We are ready for our kids to jump into more learning and hopefully get the emotional health of our oldest back to what it used to be.  Her anxiety has skyrocketed since her brother was hospitalized and so anytime you mention her going somewhere without us she freaks out and is inconsolable for hours afterwards.  Every child deserves to be heard and she wants to learn, but specifically said she wants to do it at home...so to those who don't agree with this approach she's our kid not yours...to those who understand and are supportive, 
Thank you.
School officially starts September 5th, 2016 for Team Needles!

Curriculum came in the mail..."it was like Christmas presents..." said by the big sister :-)

What Comes Next?

Here we go again...
Looking for answers, we have a list of symptoms, the referrals are being sent...
Neuropsychologist...Check
Behavioral MD...Check
Pediatric Gastroenterologist...Check
Thyroid test...Check
Safety bed being searched for by DME...Check, Check, Check (3 medical supply companies :-) )
Call into insurance to see about coverage of needed safety bed...Check
Starting our first full homeschooling year...yes check for next week 
And book completely launched...as if the rest of life happenings wasn't enough!
All these words running through my head,
 AUTISM,
 LARYNGALMALACIA, 
NEUROMUSCULAR DISORDER, 
LARYNGAL CLEFT,
 HYPOTONIA,
CELIAC, 
SAFETY BED...
what could possibly be next for us?
We have an active and absolutely awesome little man who is having some anger and self-harming issues, we just got done discussing these with his doctor today. 
On top of the feeding tube and all the testing he has gone through we are noticing some regression in the strides he has made to date orally and so upon further consultation with the ENT we are possibly being directed to Seattle Children's Hospital.  
Another set of new doctors, but our hope is that because their specialty is children we will get the answers we need, and most of all DIAGNOSIS! 
That magical term that makes it easier to help our son fight and possibly win the health battle we have been raging since he was 5 months old. 
Yes, I said WAR.
That is what this last 1+ years has felt like. 
And I want to win it for my son, or help him find the care he needs to at least live safely with what he has.  
The crazy part is our oldest child has been the "typical" one, nothing abnormal or delayed other than asthma and some anxiety from the events of the last year with me being at the hospital separated from the family with the baby. 
 But if the Laryngalmalacia is a factor her "asthma" that the doctor's have never been willing to classify as such could mean she has a very minor form of it along with the other 2 kids. 
Finally it would be something that answers all the questions and is livable, and would tie all my kiddos together and give us answers for her chronic symptoms and her need for inhaled steroids for 8 months of the year. 
God, help me I am exhausted lol.
But I have to be like Dory on Finding Nemo,
"just keeping swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..."
Because as parents, not just parents of kids with medical complexities, PARENTS! period that is what God has called us to do...Take care of these children to the best of our ability, you WILL be given the strength when you are just physically and emotionally exhausted and don't think you can do it one more minute. 
 Cry your tears and wipe them away with your fears for the moment. Hug those babies and have a super goofy dance party in the living room or make memories with an adventure because it could always change at a moments notice.
I am guilty more often than I should of letting my emotions and fears overwhelm me and it makes me LOUD, it's embarrassing to admit; but I am trying to change that. 
So I say those things for me just as much as I do for those reading this. Parenting is messy!
But I am finding the beauty in the mess, happy in the tears, joy in the exhaustion of it all...it's going to be okay, answers I can feel it are on the way.


GO TEAM NEEDLES!!

          

          



Thursday, August 25, 2016

Wild Hare



My Belly Has Two Buttons is now available on Amazon.com for e-book sales, and in a matter of a few days will be available for paperback sale.
It doesn't seem real...just a few months ago I was writing the manuscript, feeling led to write something, anything to explain what my son was going through. What I hoped for him.
I hope that he feels confident and safe, not embarrassed or ashamed.
I had no intentions of publishing this year and possibly just keeping the story to myself and sharing it with him if things ever got hard for him, but for some unknown reason I was having my sister start illustrating it regardless just to see what it could look like. 
 And then I was scheduled for surgery and had more time to "myself" recovering than I had in the last two years at the doctor's orders...scanning the feeding tube sites on Facebook and I kept seeing so many parents searching for children's books. Not just any children's books, Feeding tube specific, and modifying books they already owned by drawing a g-tube on the tummy of a character so their child felt a part of it.  
I found myself researching publishers and even speaking with one in Virginia, but finding that either they didn't take first time authors or the cost was WAY out of my realm of possibility and they might not use my illustrator's amazing pictures (Rebecca Robertson)...but then I remembered a childhood friend had published a book in the last year so I looked up her book publisher and then contacted her to get more information. 
Jesse with Publishing our children's stories was the woman who made what seemed impossible possible.  I was so excited to hear her ideas and see what the publishing process entailed. I found the funding and had the support of my family in moving forward with this crazy adventure and now almost 4 months later it's going to be a reality!
I tell you all of this not because you should follow EVERY wild hare you get in life, but that in our circumstances things don't normally come easy, and most especially in the last year I've felt like my little family is fighting a war that we won't be able to win with health concerns and finances. But for some reason this book is SUPPOSED to be written, maybe not for me or my family specifically, but maybe for another family who's child is struggling to feel like they belong somewhere or to encourage that mom in the waiting room of the hospital while her child is in surgery getting his or her feeding tube...
I hope this book can also get people outside of this community asking good questions, and to better understand just what we as Tubie Parents do every day. That they can look at us and our kids and say "I get you" "I am proud of you" "I don't pity you, and I want to know how I can be supportive"
This journey is sometimes very isolating, I think that is true with any child or family member who has a special need.
Let's stop allowing these families to isolate. Engage them and encourage them in any way you can. And feeding tube families; be willing to answer and not be defensive I know how people can and have been when they find out a child has a button, It can be very abrasive, but we need to remember they don't know what's gone on, they obviously are curious and if we take the time to respond it will only benefit any future encounter they have the next time with a Tubie.
So I hope you all look forward as much as I do to the paperback launch, there is just something about knowing that I will hold in my hand the object I've been picturing in my mind. It's scary! I've done things I never would have had the courage to do, like invite local medical professionals to the Book Launch Party in my town, make a video book trailer and post it on YouTube, contact news stations/newspapers/book stores/magazines to see if they would be interested in helping raise awareness. I've even now had an offer to become a mentor with a program called The Power of Two. Its to help other parents who are new to Pediatric Feeding Disorders. Give advice, help them find the courage we know is in them to fight and advocate for their child. I am not an expert by any stretch, but I am excited to possibly help someone learn how to find their inner warrior because having my kids has certainly brought out mine. 
So all you Tubies, Warriors, and knowledge thirsty people; lets change the world and put ourselves in Nico's  shoes for just a few minutes and enjoy "My Belly Has Two Buttons" and hear him tell you about his 2nd button and all the things it does for him, but doesn't limit him in being an active 2 year old.

Thank you
Meikele Lee


Inline image 1


Wednesday, July 6, 2016

How long?

The #1 asked question we've had since Nico had his feeding tube put in is...

"Do you know how long he will need this?" Quickly followed by, "what exactly is his diagnosis?"

Well, we kind of have some answers now to both those questions.  We had a genetic study done at shodair children's hospital and according to them he is "normal", the pediatrician when she heard this was and still is absolutely in shock that some sort of disorder was not found. So at this moment his "diagnosis" is...failure to thrive caused by severe oral aversions, dysphagia, and hypotonia.
His feed volume of formula has been decreased down to 500cal via tube and 450 h2o overnight and 500+ calories by mouth, since being on this feed rate/volume he maintained his weight over 6 weeks at 26lbs so at this point he will be on this until the gastroenterologist deems otherwise.  The hard part of this is, and I finally got the pediatrician and GI to hear me not just nod thier head, I strongly believe and have said this since he was 6 months old that he has an absorption issue when his body has to break food down completely on its own.  When I explained my reasoning they seemed to FINALKY understand.
My deductive reasoning:

Peptamin Jr (his formula) is a pre-digested formula, this means the proteins/nutrition are broken down already and it just has to sit in his stomach for a little bit and then it's fully digested. His body doesn't have to do barely anything.

While on 750cal of formula he gained 2+lbs EVERY month at his weight checks, he was eating a couple snacks on top of this plus dinner so he ate 150+ calories by mouth only. It was lowered to 700cal of formula and he was still gaining 2+lbs a month...so they needed to either taper off his weight gain or stall it or he could become obese...funny huh?

And now at his new volume he is consuming half his calories by mouth and half via tube and he didn't just taper off, it completely stopped. Just as many calories(1000+) daily, but his body is having to work harder to break them down. Again and I suspect that there will come a point to where his weight will swing backwards and we will loose weight or they will become frustrated with the stall in weight like they did before (stuck at 15.8lbs from 6 months to 16 months on over 1000 calories by mouth daily).

At this point they have heard my reasoning and whether they see it or not it will be at least 6months to 1 year before they will be willing to try and MRI or upper GI which are the next steps to figuring out an absorption issue. The reason being he has had a lot of anesthesia and x-rays and him being so little his body needs a break. And his drinking ability is the real clincher. If he wasn't at a stalemate with his progress, or had the ability to physically drink his 800ml need of fluids and formula then the feeding tube could come out. But right now the syringe is the only way he can take multiple sips safely but the minute he releases suction he loses control of the fluid and chokes or sputters. He also can only do it to at most 50ml at a sitting in 10ml segments before he gets tired and starts sputtering and choking during his sips.

We have a long way ahead of us, but like his GI said "at least you have a safe way to keep him stable and hydrated and this takes the pressure to perform off of him and you..."



Monday, July 4, 2016

Join me and let's get EXCITED!

http://www.kxlh.com/clip/12205288/helena-mom-aims-to-raise-awareness-about-feeding-tubes

This was a Feeding tube awareness week segment our local news did last February, it was so nice everyone who recognized us in public was nothing but excited and supportive.  And now with the book I hope it brings these life saving devices out into the light even more.

Promotion, promotion, promotion...
It's the name of the game right now in the book publishing process.

Manuscript, editing...check
Illustrations getting fine tuned...check
Book size, price, gloss/matte...check
Exploring press kits...check
Author photo by the amazing Mary @ queenelizabethphotography.com (Helena folks can contact her for all thier photo needs :-) )...check!!

So please help me by following me on Instagram (needlesmama) and a Facebook page to come which I will keep you all updated on. 
Tell your friends, family and all other tubies what's coming..."My Belly has two buttons" I hope will encourage your child to love their feeding tube and in turn love the body they live in, and that it will help non-tubies to understand our lives with these amazing kids even a little bit better. 
It's not easy but it's always worth trying to give others the tools to understand and empathize when they may not have a medically complex child/family member. 
So LET'S GET EXCITED!!!
Estimated E-book launch August 15th, and hard copy hopefully by August 30th.

Monday, June 27, 2016

It's happening...

So many good things are happening right now...as I look back over our journey with our son I see God's hand working it for his glory.  I can't say that has always felt like the case when in the midst of things that felt like a nightmare, but it's all lead to a healthy baby.
  Our baby is a few short days from 2 years old and I can't even imagine where we would be without him.  God definitely prepared me and Nick for this handsome boy and his sister's absolutely adore him. And I am seeing the potential of sharing his story through this children's book as the next stage in helping him and children just like him.  I am excited, nervous and feel inadequate to have this opportunity, but blessed that it is becoming a reality.
   Never did I think at 29 years old I would be doing this.  I was telling my friend "things with this book have been going way too easy...everything for us in the past 4 years has been hard, not just hard but next to impossible and if something could go wrong it did..." she reminded me to not the seeds of doubt start clouding what God is orchestrating because obviously he wants this book to happen.  Funny, my mom just said the very same thing a few days before, do you think I am being told something? Haha, I better start listening don't you think.
I was taking a Facebook walk down memory lane and I found the local news segment on Nico from February and it literally makes me cry every time I watch it.  My message was the same then as it is now, only now I am striving for a wider range and bigger platform.  And as always I am putting my children first.
  My brush with a health scare this month definitely made me think about lots of things.  I saw my husband deal absolutely amazing in a crisis situation and despite his PTSD maintain the calmest demeanor and got me the help I needed.  Only later did he tell me the truth about how scared he was and that he didn't feel like he did good.  So coming from me who saw the whole thing and couldn't help him or take over for him he did awesome and I was and am so proud of him.  I never wanted to have a situation like that where it tested him to that point, but I am resting a little easier knowing he is absolutely equipped to deal with it.
  I am also seeing friends who jumped right in and dropped plans to help watch kids or come help us out even when they have plans themselves.  I am very thankful for them, they know who they are.
  I tell other dating or engaged people that the storms of life only last so long and that your fortitude to weather it together is what will bring you out on the other side stronger.
  My prayer right now is that I remember that for myself too and that this book will be the catalyst to bring my family at the end of one of our lowest valleys and start the upward climb into an easier time together as a family, financially and spiritually.