A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma...
So that's what was happening!
My heart was racing, my palms were sweaty, I felt like I had done something wrong and like I needed to prove all the things that had gone right since that time.
The things we know now and that my son is doing well.
You may be wondering what I am talking about. It's almost been 1 year!
1 year since my little boy was hospitialized...
What was supposed to be just a calorie study turned and morphed into almost 3 week nightmare that I wouldn't wish on anyone.
My little boy wasn't growing despite our best efforts and constant calorie packing of his meals and me nursing him 9+ times daily...
I thought with all we learned since then and the trust we have built with the pediatrician and GI that I had recovered, healed, was emotionally able to look back on it and just have it be a bad memory that I carry, and my beautiful son will hopefully never remember...
I was wrong!
I love nurses, and think they are absolutely amazing, but the nurses and staff we dealt with at our hospital visit combined with the social worker made for a battle.
Not just between me and them, but between them and my son's safety.
I hadn't seen any of them since our discharge, and within the last week it was like the world was wanting me to be tested, teased, and bombarded.
Maybe even toppled off my happy attitude from the book launch and all the sincere, supportive, kind words from other families about the book.
So in passing I see someone I recognize, can't quite place her...
BAM!
It's THAT nurse! The one who literally tried to drown my son!
I don't say this lightly folks, I am not exagerating.
My baby could NOT drink safely, I told them, showed them, and warned them 1000 times in the first 2 days...because his swallow study(which they had me administer) showed he was "normal" she came waltzing in armed with 5 different cups...and proceeded to inform me "you have 3 hours to get "X" amount of liquids in him or we put an IV in, he's only got in 200ml today and you've been coddling him."
WHAT! is she crazy?
I know in my heart the test is wrong that he can't do this.
So long dramatic story later I end up physically removing her hand and the cup from my son's mouth as she POURS a half full cup into his mouth with no end in site, not sips or even swallows, POURS IT IN!
Yes, mama was not happy as her baby is gagging, coughing, choking and whooping trying to catch his breathe...
I was labeled a "combative mom" in paperwork for refusing to let her continue and when she ignored my saying "stop" and then making her stop. I didn't manhandle her I just moved her hand over away from my baby and the cup with it...eventually it was proved that this technique she employed was not okay and that I was right and no more cups were brought to our room per drinking/eating therapists orders...
I still couldn't look at that nurse nicely the rest of our stay...
But I didn't think it would effect me so much so long afterwards and thankfully she didn't notice me and I just kept walking.
And then...
I was at work this weekend and ANOTHER ONE came in to the salon!
The 2nd nurse who was constantly telling me her opinion...
"well there is no way you are waking up every time he needs to eat...your husband can't possibly be doing what your son needs when your sleeping after working all night...you must not be feeding your baby enough and your breast milk production must be low."
I thought I was having a panic attack.
She was looking at me and I asked her "Do you remember me?"
She said "yeah, you look really familiar"
I reminded her where we met and she asked after my son, I was sweating and shaky the whole time feeling like I needed to run home and bar the door for attack...totally unreasonable!
And then she said something as we talked that just about sent me over the edge...
"yeah, it's hard when we have to tell parents like you they aren't feeding their babies enough..."
EXCUSE ME! You have got to be kidding...
I had just got done telling her that he was taking 1/2(500cal) via tube of his 1000cal goal daily and 1/2 by mouth and he was maintaining his weight, but if you add even 250cal more via tube with his formula which is predigested then he gains lbs every month...
there is an absorption issue when his body has to break food down on its own...
it is NOT because we don't feed him enough!
I was instantly brought back to the hospital, nightmares, and feeling scared.
She left, but the nightmares of someone coming to take my kids are back...
For how long I don't know, I don't feel like we are safe again, I am scared to have people come to my home again...will this ever fully go away?
I hope so, I try to be a good mom and a nice person, but I am battered and bruised by the events of the last year...
Please God make it go away...
I understand better now why my 5 yr old gets so anxious when she watches me take her brother to therapy, or I head off to work.
It was just as traumatic for all of us and we are all still healing from it.
It's changed our world and colored our perception of medical professionals and people who come into our home...
"is it a necessity that they be here?" and "is it safe to have them here?"
2 questions I always ask myself now.
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